Some dude's chest eats a shirt and his face grows hair hella fast

So if you haven't already heard, some dude's chest eats a shirt (a green shirt!) and his face grows some hair hella fast, all documented by both me and my trusty camera, Camera.

This is the soon to be consumed shirt. Green shirt!

Shortly after I told my camera, Camera, to take this picture, a mustache sprouted and his undershirt (otherwise known colloquially as a "husband beater") ate his shirt. His green shirt!

Every type of hair on the face needs a name. His 'chops are very slightly fluffed, so...Fluffchops?

So here I am, just trying to non-creepily take a picture of my good friend's face for old time's sake, when this 'stache pops up and his 'chops get fluffed and his shirt gets ate. Eaten. I considered it a fluke, until this happened:

Following the previous picture's law, I call it the Gay Sailor, or "Gaylor"

At this point, he gets all smugged out thinking he's the fly's eyes with his freshly grown handlegays and gayburns. Yea, you may be tough now, but just wait until your freakish insta-hair face decides upon the Creepstache Pedobeard! Who'll be smug then, I ask jealously? Fortunately, this is not the end of his face's shenanigans.

As per Facehair Law:  The Continental Wolverine.

Done with being upset with that fact that this amazing mutation is not happening on my face, I began to contemplate what ET just said, and I quote: "Yea, some kid slapped some other kid with his...penis?" My mind doesn't remain for long on this enigmatic sentence, however, for soon after it's uttered:

Hmmmm...The Continental Wolverine Delux, for sure.

It seems that now his hair is content to purely increase in girth, yet remain fixed in a similar style. Again, I'd be completely and blissfully happy with this, if it were only to happen to me. At this point, my own face is cursing its own hair, yelling obscenities at it through every pore in every cheek on my face. I think my face might be drunk, and my facial hair is shrinking away in fear of my belligerent face. Perhaps ET is siphoning off hair from my face instead of growing it itself? I'll ponder on this at a later date, because ET's face is doing stuff yet again:

At this point, the Delux evolved into, I dunno, a Reverse Beardhawk?

I see now that the two sides of the facial hair war that is currently waging upon ET's face are about to clash in one explosive massive chin hair battle. I'd assume that a Reverse Beardhawk would either be a finishing move tactfully carried out by a rogue mercenarial (dude, "mercenarial" should totally be an actual word) strand of gingery hair, or one of the Commanding Officers in charge of commanding officers of this epic war. The result would be this:

The aftermath of the battle. AKA The Beard.

An enormous explosion rocked me and my camera, Camera's, worlds. Neither of us could see for at least several seconds, for the air was thick with hair-debris and hair-carcasses. Finally, the hair-dust settled and there it was: The Beard. Welcome to this world, Beard, I think you'll be treated pretty well here.