Accolades Part 1: Blue

Not being completely content with the enormous amount of various accolades, achievements, challenges and the like included with every single video game made since late 2005, I decided to implement them into my own actual un-accolade'd life. My halfway completionist self is mildly jumping for joy! I decided that three different flavors of these accolades will be made, one for each color included in those little tiny boxes you see when you stare unhealthily close at an old school TV screen. Otherwise known as red, green, and blue. Now enough with the chit and the chat, onward to the blues!

That down there at the bottom was supposed to be so sweet robot arm with an even sweeter lightning bolt jolting around in the background, but thanks to duochromatism the robot arm looks like it has little windows in it.

Now how the helk (a port, a man, and a toe walk into a bar. A portmanteau walks out!) do I know what any of this crap means, you ask angrily? Well, my easily upset blog reader, my brain has the answer for you.

RAIN AWAY: Go one entire year without getting a single drop of rain on your bare skin. Oh, and the majority of the year in question has to be spent in Seattle. Look out, video games, here's even more of me!
GEAR GRINDER: Hear, without any sort of push, pull, prod or other provocation from yourself, "That really grinds my gears!" or "You know what grinds my gears?" Or "MY GEARS ARE GRINDING!" or any other gear/grind combination in the same sentence. In person.
STRIKE OUT: Get struck out during a game of outdoor baseball played during an em-effing thunderstorm. PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT!

And that's a microwave there, not a Texas Instrument. No accolade should ever be made for a Texas Instrument. Also, that SMASH! picture is supposed to be the Smash Bros emblem, but it kinda got mixed up with those jerk-ass police dudes symbol from V for Vendetta.

THE AXE: Manage to axe-chop enough wood to sustain a universally agreed upon as enjoyable fire for a universally agreed upon as enjoyable amount of time. For me, this is most definitely a challenge. I have worse aim when it comes to axe-chopping than a blind pitcher in a baseball game during a thunderstorm. Fable II totally lied to me about the simplicity of chopping wood! Also about getting paid to do it.
SMASH!: Step one: find a free or "free" printer. Step two: bring aforementioned printer out to a field someplace. Step three: Press the play button on whatever device is playing "Still" by the Ghetto Boys. Step Four: Utterly and completely annihilate aforementioned printer using any combination of baseball bats, fists, or heels. Nuff said.
MACROWAVE: Microwave a...       ...wait for it...       ...microwave. Yea, you heard (or read, rather) right. A microwave microwaving a microwave. Oh, and that microwaved microwave has to be microwaving something as well, like a trinket both small and awesome when microwaved. I'm pretty sure this is one of those ways of creating miniature black holes, but it would be soooooo worth it.

This set of three makes me want to urinate, for some reason.

LIGHT HOUSE: Visit a light house's light room while the light house's light is lit. This will probably be the second most difficult accolade to get in the Blue set, mostly because I'm already halfway blind (as a blind pitcher during a thunderstorm) and the temptation to look at the awesome raw power of a lit light house light would be too great. That, and it might not be the most legal thing to do.
BRRZAP!: Find one of those sweet-ass glass sculptures on a beach that form when lightning hits the sand. This has to actually occur naturally, because Sweet Home Alabama wouldn't lie to me, right? And remember what I said about the last accolade being the second most difficult to attain? I totally lied. This is.
SHIP WRECK: Survive the sinkage of a ship or ship-like craft. I mean, what with my best friend being a sailor and me living somewhat close to a large amount of water, this has to happen eventually. Maybe not the surviving part, but the ship wreck part for sure!

Fun fact: I always always giggle when somebody says "Well, dig deeper, Watson!" in response to anything. Call me immature, but I think butts are hilarious.

DIG DEEPER: Now you know those pain-in-the-assbutt (teehee!) to get meta-achievements that involve two or more other achievements to get? Yea, this is my version of one of those. The meta-accolade. The first accolade (which will be part of the Red set) will involve digging a personally satisfactorily deep hole. I almost accomplished this while digging up sewage lines with my pops the other day, but I think it was too smelly to be satisfying. The second related accolade (which will be part of the Green set) will involve climbing a personally satisfactorily high tree. I know, I know, there's a lot of "personal" bull honky with this one, but they're my accolades, not yours. So bully on you!
???: ??? (This one is pretty much just an excuse to go out and do something awesome, entertaining, dangerous, ridiculously fun, or an orgasmic combination of all of the above and call it "accolade attaining". Also, I needed the total amount of this set to be 11, because 11 is the best number ever according to Kingdom of Loathing.)

So there's the entirety of my Blue set of accolades. The Red set will follow, closely (by which I mean probably a while afterwords) followed by the Green set.